John 1: 1-4 (NIV) : In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God, He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it

I am currently in a season of ‘I DON’T KNOW’. If anyone around me comes to me and tells me something, and they say, “I don’t know”, I always tell them they know, but they just don’t want to say it. I still believe in that because I am going through that season of ‘I don’t know’. 

Something is happening in my life, and it is making me feel scared and uncertain. Uncertain about my future, unsure of my job, unsure if I will ever marry and have children, uncertain if I want to live or not, and all that does not scare me as much as being unsure of my faith.

I AM SCARED OF LOSING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER!! 

I know I love God, and I also know that without Him, I am someone I don’t want to be. GOD is my anchor, and without Him, I wouldn’t want to go back to a time when I didn’t have a relationship with Him. God is truly my strength and my anchor because without Him, I was wandering aimlessly in the world. Even though I am uncertain about everything around me right now, one thing I do know is that God loves me because He shows me this in many ways—through people, through Bible verses that come to mind, through songs that my spirit sings without meaning to, through my nephew when he reminds me to do something. I can feel His love, and my spirit cries out and longs for Him, but right now, I feel like I am hiding and feeding my flesh. 

My spirit cries to Abba, and I feel heavy and burdened, but I feel so lost because I have become complacent in building a relationship and seeking his heart. 

At the moment, my job is undergoing TUPE, and I feel unsure about my future. Honestly, I have long felt that I should leave my job, but I didn’t know where to go, and I became complacent, preferring to stay with the familiar and feel comfortable. 

I knew God wanted more from me, and someone in my church once told me I was meant to be working within the community. Still, I am not the community girl, so I set that aside and prayed about it occasionally. Previously, I had been asking myself whether I wanted to live with my sister and her husband forever, which I knew was impossible. When my sister asked me to come to hers because they needed help with the kids, I prayed and cried to God to provide her with an alternative helper.

However, God had a plan for me in Sheffield, and I am now very comfortable. It’s now time to move on, and I don’t know where He’s taking me. I am scared — not because I think it will be bad or that He won’t be with me, but because of the change. 

I am currently scrambling around; my family is telling me to apply for nursing because it’s more stable and offers a future. I am considering specialising in midwifery within nursing, and I know I would be good at it, but I dislike starting new things and studying. I am applying for various jobs, but am not actively pursuing any of them. My spirit longs to spend time with God and focus on Him, but the truth is I am not doing that, and it hurts so much. It feels as though I am losing myself, but I don’t know how to hold on to God. I am so scared and uncertain. People tell me to pray for five minutes and read my Bible, but I feel so weighed down, and I am lacking in self-control and discipline.